Revisiting ‘goals’, ‘today’ and the happiness they could bring.
I have a ‘fwitter’. It’s a fake Twitter account. Kind of like a ‘finsta’ (a fake Instagram account where you ironically post your most real self and it’s usually reserved for close friends only) but on Twitter.
The term technically doesn’t exist in any form of media (yet) but I’m adamant enough to keep calling it a ‘fwitter’.
Anyways…
I have a fwitter account and on it, I like making these long threads of tweets where I try to rationalise my thoughts better just to get it off my chest and into a private space to my closest friends whom I can trust this information with. (Honestly, thinking about it back, I don’t know why blogging these thoughts didn’t cross my mind at all? Would have been SO much easier without the 280 character limit!)
And I stumbled upon an old thread of mine tweeted earlier this April.
It starts with a quote I found somewhere and it says:
“There is no goal. The goal will never make you happy. All we have is today and the happiness you feel in it. There is no success or failure. You are the only one who can make failure feel like a failure.”
And I continue this thread talking about a thought I remember having when I was walking to one of my classes in the UK. I had thought to myself ‘this scholarship is all I’ve ever worked for and now that I have it, now that I’m here in the UK… what now?’ The happiness I had from finally getting the scholarship was there but it didn’t last at all.
I’m bringing this up here on the blog and revisiting this quote because I’m currently in my final year of university and I’m very close to finally graduating with a bachelors degree.
My next goal is to push my cGPA high enough so I’m able to apply for an MA. I remember my dad saying to me that ‘the ‘rezeki’ (fortune) you receive is yours and only yours, so it will come to you if it’s meant to be’ and I keep that in mind whenever I want something in this physical world.
I’m now not tied to the goal because in my mind, “it’d be nice to get it so I will still work hard for it. But if I don’t get it, then it was never written for me.”
But that’s making me think…
‘All we have is today and the happiness you feel in it.’
I still work hard for the grades but do I enjoy working hard for them?
Not really… I’m familiar with it and would feel discomfort if I weren’t working hard. I work hard because my subconscious self needs to create something of high quality if it knows I’m the one creating it.
‘All we have is today and the happiness you feel in it.’
Do I look at today and feel happiness?
Not really… I struggle staying present in general (a big reason why I have anxiety!) and it’s worse closer to deadlines. I feel happiness only when I see results.
I feel like I have been self-sabotaging myself without realising it.
I’m excellent at being self-aware and recognising what I should do, but I lack the discipline to consistently implement change to myself :(
And while I’m scrolling through the said fwitter account, I see this on my timeline! Coincidence? Doesn’t exist.
Do you have a goal you want to achieve at the moment? Will it bring you happiness? What does ‘happiness’ look like to you in the long run?
